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Wedding nerves

I’m getting married and I’m shit scared

Lately, I’ve been getting increasingly anxious about my upcoming wedding. Countless google searches later and I can determine that A. I should definitely not be with my partner and B. This is totally normal and there’s nothing wrong with my relationship. Some sources tell me to ‘listen to my gut instinct’, some sources tell me to take a quiz to determine my future and some just tell me to get on with it.

As well as it being highly stressful to be second guessing my marriage, it’s even more stressful that all of these articles, quizzes and kind strangers online don’t know anything about me or my relationship. How do I know who to trust when I don’t even feel like I trust myself?

Some of us grow up thinking that marriage is a Disney fairy tale, or, in my case – my parents marriage was so volatile that I grew up thinking there was probably no point in getting married when divorce seemed inevitable. After all, 2/3 of married couples get a divorce these days (as my sister loves to remind me).

After pondering my options, having multiple mental break downs and ugly crying to my partner about whether we were doing the right thing by getting married, I had a moment of clarity. None of us really know what we’re doing, do we? Everything we’ve learnt is a cultivation of our society, culture and the way we grew up. No way is ‘the right way’, life is not a fairy tale and you don’t always get what you want, or expected.

I decided that what would be really helpful, is to have someone going through the same anxiety as me, to know I’m not alone. That’s why I’m starting this blog – to share with you all my reality, to comfort others who feel like sometimes they just need to run away from it all. I love my partner, I want to marry my partner, but sometimes marriage feels like the scariest thing in the world – and that’s okay.

An open letter to my abusive ex.

Pre – warning – this blog post contains details of physical and mental abuse and mention of eating disorders. Please do not read it if it will do your mental health any harm.

It’s hard to put into words what I want to say to you. Last night I had a long conversation with my partner about you, because I was plagued with memories of things you did to me 9 years ago. It was hard to tell my partner because there’s still always a part of me that’s embarrassed that maybe it was my fault – you always told me it was. I’ve never had the chance to talk about what happened, every therapist I’ve been to has always focused on the present, not the past, but I suppose they don’t have the time to delve into my back catalog.

I wish I knew why. Why did you chose to start dating a 14 year old girl when you were almost 19? I won’t even mention what this makes you – but it begins with a P. Why did you decide to start physically and mentally abusing her when she was 15 until she was 20? I know people tend to follow trends, and I know that your dad used to hit you. Which made it even stranger how much you loved him, but maybe I’ve been a fool to this too? I could give you the excuse that you knew no better, but I don’t think you deserve it. I witnessed my dad verbally abusing my mum for 15 years, I saw it when he hit her round the face on Christmas day, I saw it when she used to hide in the closet and cry. I knew how they fought – I knew that they ‘resolved’ their arguments by screaming at each other until they were exhausted.
With you, I learnt 2 methods of arguing.
1 – I could scream back and eventually you’d get so mad that I wasn’t submitting that you would hit me, then you’d cry and tell me it was my fault and when I comforted you everything would be okay again.
2 – I could dissociate so that your words didn’t hurt anymore, I could tell you exactly what you wanted to hear until you stopped.
After 20 years of learning that the way to resolve arguments were through screaming matches, I’m self aware enough to know that it’s wrong. I can catch myself behaving this way – using mean words and raising my voice, and I know why I do it and I know that it’s not right. It’s a work in progress but with every argument I have, I try not to behave like my past mistakes. I hate that you carried on the negative cycle that my parents had showed me for a decade and a half before. I hate that I let you and that I thought it was okay because I loved you. I hate that this negative cycle still has an affect on my relationships today.

I want you to know that I don’t care if you think I’m fat anymore, for the most part, I don’t care about anyone’s opinion of my body but my own anymore. The affect you had on my body image was colossal. When we first got together I was a size 10 – 12. Later on, I asked you what you thought of me when we first met and you told me that your first impression was that I was fat. For years, you didn’t want to have sex with me because you weren’t attracted to me. One time, you stopped me in the supermarket and stared at me. I asked what you were looking at, and you told me ‘I was just wondering if I would find you attractive if I just came across you in a shop’. I asked ‘would you?’ and you said ‘I don’t know, probably not.’ This is just one example of the many shitty comments that you made to me about my weight and my appearance. Eventually, I got to the stage where I would look at your ex girlfriends and examine what you liked so much about them – you liked to remind me of how attractive they were. You liked blondes – so I dyed my hair blonde. You liked skinny girls – so I counted my calories and exercised excessively and never addressed the fact that after 3 years of behaving this way I had quickly developed an eating disorder. But hey, I lost 3 dress sizes and you finally told me I was ‘almost perfect’. What makes me so sad is that I thought that was one of the best things you’ve ever said to me. I had a troubled relationship with food and my body for the most part of 10 years, and I’m finally almost okay. I would like to think you’ve changed and realised that other peoples bodies are none of your god damn business, but sadly your wife also clearly has this problem. I was best friends with her for 4 years, she was always a healthy size, since you two got into a relationship she’s so skinny that you can see every bone in her spine. Maybe it’s just coincidence, and maybe you’re helping her through it, but either way I hope she’s okay.

Did you know that my family actually do love me? You told me they didn’t for such a long time that I actually believed you. It may come as a surprise to you that there are people in my life who consider me a friend – you always told me I was incapable. Among the many words you said to me, the ones that stick out are ‘worthless, inherently selfish, useless/ what are you even good for?, everything is your fault, no one else will ever love you, you made me do it’. I would like you to know that I’m worth everything I have manifested in myself to become the person I am today. It wasn’t my fault, someone does love me much more than you ever did, I’m not selfish and I did not make you abuse me. I’m sick of feeling embarrassed over what you did to me, I’m sick of my grandparents mentioning you whenever you’re in the paper for one of your films, I’m sick of you haunting me even after we broke up 4 years ago.

I’m aware that this letter probably comes off as hateful and passive aggressive at points, but I want to say thank you. Thank you for making me realise what I’m worth, and who I’m worth. Thank you for making me aware of every danger sign I should look out for. Thank you for moving on, after calling me every day for 2 months after we broke up to tell me you were going to kill yourself and it would be my fault, thank you for not killing yourself. Above all, thank you for the experience I needed in my life to help me realise the difference between wrong and right in relationships. We both made mistakes, we were wrong for each other, and I can’t say that there weren’t times I strayed from my moral compass in ways that could hurt you emotionally. I apologised for everything I did wrong so many times that you got sick of telling me you forgive me. I want you to know that I’ll always remain sorry for any pain I caused you that wasn’t in self defense, even though it was nothing that left a psychical scar. We stayed together for 6 years too long, but at least I came out on the other side with a wealth of experience about how not to live my life. The last thing I wish I could say to you is that I forgive you, but I don’t think you ever said sorry.

I wish this was the end for us, but your voice will continue to live inside my brain for a long time. I’m finally coming to terms with the fact that the things that happened have affected the way I live my life today. I’m going to do everything in my power to change and eradicate every piece of doubt you ever put in my head until I forget what your voice sounds like and I forget how it feels to think I’m not worthy of love and respect.
I hope that inside yourself you’ve said sorry to me. Know that one day I will forgive you, even though I’ll never hear the words come out of your mouth.

Why I’m nervous about my wedding, and why that’s okay.

My first post glazed over my anxiety regarding my wedding. I’m going to go into this in more detail – both to settle my mind and hopefully help others who may be in a similar boat wanting to jump overboard.

I’m nervous for my wedding because, put simply, everything COULD go wrong. I’m a master over thinker. I have a massive issue with my internal anxious monologue. I worry about anything and everything and mull it over and over in my head until it’s unbearable. So it’s only natural that I would begin to think about everything that could go wrong in the future.

Below are a list of things, in ‘shit I’m so worried about this’, order;

We might get a divorce
We might become tempted by other people in future
What if his job means he has to leave for 2 months the day after our wedding and IT RUINS EVERYTHING
If we do get a divorce, then I’m wasting his and his family’s money
What if at the time of the wedding, we’ve been arguing loads
What if I can’t afford my dress alterations
My bridesmaids aren’t very close to me and I’m worried they’ll be unreliable
What if I don’t look good in my dress
What if the people on our guest list are really annoying and bring plus ones without asking?

As you can see, there are quite a few things I’m getting nervous about. Some of them are big, some of them are small, but all of them are VALID. Choosing to marry someone is a big commitment, you’re basically saying ‘there should be no reason we will ever break up ever’. That’s a damn big statement to make. What if, in 5 years time we hate each other and our relationships go like all of our previous ones have done? (there I go again). Not only do you tell yourself that everything has to go well, but society tells you everything has to go well too. My wedding is all anyone ever talks to me about these days. It’s as if they think I should be so excited that I can’t possibly think of anything else and I know they’re just trying to make conversation, but it’s talked about so much that it’s now the last thing I want to talk about! My grandma constantly asks me about my non existent diet,and tells me I must stop eating potato (ummm I certainly think NOT). And on top of all this what about the money! Oh god the money! I think I just lost £1k by thinking about it. On top of all this wedding stress, I think I also have PMS and I just moved house, as well as the general stress of life.

My partner is an amazing person, he’s compassionate, generous, smart, handsome, lovely to everyone he meets, hardworking, he wants to make me happy and he makes it clear every day. He’s easy to talk to, we have fun together and we have the same dreams. If you’re sure that you want to be with your partner, because they respect you and you respect them, because they love you and you love them and because you wouldn’t want to be with anyone else at this point in your life, then the following advice is for you. I’m not advocating that you try and make a wedding or a marriage work if you are in a toxic or abusive relationship.

So, with all that said and done, why are you scared and why is that okay?

To put it bluntly – IT’S TOTALLY NATURAL!

You’re a naturally anxious person. If you’re like me, then it may just mean that you’re a really anxious person. I’m anxious about everything. ‘Maybe this person doesn’t like me because a year ago my tone was a little off when I said hello’ type of anxious. This anxiety can cause absolute havoc, especially when making large life changing decisions like getting married! Although it is not great to feel this way about things in your life, it’s not a deal breaker. There are things you can do to help yourself if you are a worrier (keep reading!)
You’re stressed! In any difficult situation, stress takes its toll. This is no different during wedding planning. It’s unfortunate that being so stressed about getting married takes some of the fun and butterflies out of it, but you’re planning a very big day and that’s scary! Stress takes the fun out of so many things, and it makes you tired, foggy and even depressed. But this doesn’t mean that you and your relationship are doomed. It’s very normal to feel overwhelmed about massive life decisions!
You’re making a massive commitment. Think about it – wouldn’t you be nervous if you just decided to move to Australia from the UK? I know that marriage isn’t asking you to get up and leave behind your family and friends, but you ARE leaving behind the ‘single life’. Whatever this means for you, you’re taking a massive step in legally committing to stay with someone for as long as you can (or till death do you part). It’s okay to be scared of committing, just make sure that you are READY TO COMMIT!
It’s expensive! Unless you’re super savvy/ are getting married in the registry office – marriage can be bloody expensive. It’s horrible watching all of your hard earned money disappear in front of your eyes – even if it is paying for something wonderful.
You’re scared of fighting/ getting divorced. This one is the killer for me, the one that makes me the most anxious. The thing is, it feels like everyone around me has gotten a divorce! My parents, my partners parents, my work colleagues, my grandparents etc.. It’s totally natural that you would be worried that a divorce could be inevitable. I find this one a very hard one to combat, as to me the idea of divorce sounds like the worst thing ever. But realistically – it’s not the end of the world to have to get a divorce. It’s okay to try and to fail. It’s okay if it just doesn’t work out in the long run.
Because it doesn’t feel like it’s ‘supposed to’. We’ve all seen the Disney movies, the Rom-Coms, the happily ever afters. Most of us grew up watching them, most of us grew up believing in ‘the one’ and ‘that spark’. So how come you’ve found the person you want to marry and you haven’t had a fairy godmother visiting you to turn your rags into a wedding dress? The best way I can put it, and this is what I believe, is that ‘the one’ doesn’t exist. Call me a cynic, but there can’t be that one person out there who is perfect. So maybe you feel like something is missing, like there should be more ‘electricity’, but these expectations aren’t realistic. I see people all the time on social media flaunting their relationship and sharing about how it was love at first sight and how everything is amazing and they’re so in love, but try and remember that this is just a snippet of their imperfect life.
Because the people around you are putting too much pressure on you! I remember when I got engaged, everyone TOLD me how happy I must be, the colleagues I didn’t even know fakely ‘awwed’ at my ring. My extended family all wanted to meet him, his extended family all wanted to meet me. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed people being happy for me, but I don’t love to be the center of attention. Like I mentioned earlier, people just never want to shut up about my wedding. In almost every social interaction I have with people I don’t see every day, their questions are ‘how’s the wedding planning going’, ‘are you trying to lose weight’, ‘have you got everything sorted for the wedding?’, ‘has he got everything sorted?’, ‘when is it again?’, ‘how long have you been together again?’, ‘where are you going on a honeymoon?’. I just want to grab them and tell them to STOP! STOP PUTTING SO MUCH PRESSURE ON ME! I know, they’re really trying to be nice, and I feel guilty for feeling bad about their kindness, but it adds so.much.pressure! When you feel like your whole life is your wedding, it can get extremely stressful, and we know how stress makes us feel!

What can you do to feel a bit better?

After having a conversation with my husband to be, we came up with some things I can do to ease all the anxiety I’m feeling. I’m going to share a short but hopefully useful list of things you can do to help ease your mind.

Talk to your partner – this is extremely important. Although you don’t have to tell your partner everything, they need to know how you’re feeling about your wedding and marriage, especially if you’re bloody terrified about it! They may be able to offer you more insight into the way you’re feeling.
Spend more time without your partner. If you spend all your time with your spouse, it’s not only unhealthy for your relationship but it’s unhealthy for you personally. You need to spend time doing things alone so that you can remain an independent person.
Meditate. If you’re an anxious person, meditation can really help you to find your balance and, in turn, make you feel better about those large life decisions (like marriage) that you’re making.
Be healthy! Whatever this means to you, do more of it! For me, being healthy means walking, going to the gym and eating well (I’m not saying I do these things, but I should). I know from past experience that being healthy really helps to change my state of mind – it’s scientifically proven.
Do more things FOR YOU that make you happy. Perhaps your partner doesn’t like doing all the things that you do and that’s causing a rift and further anxiety? or you just do everything together and you don’t enjoy all these things either. Although it can be hard to ‘break away’ from your partner and do things by yourself, you need to do things that make YOU happy. When you’re serving yourself and doing more that you enjoy, you will probably be a happier person and in turn, have a happier relationship.
Journal. Writing a journal really helps to get everything out of your system. This is great if you are filled with anxiety, if you don’t feel you want to share ALL of your problems with another person, and if you like to write!
Take a break from the wedding planning. If the wedding pressure is getting to you, then take a break. Don’t talk about it, don’t plan any part of it, don’t search pintrest for fun wedding ideas. Just chill out and take it off your mind for a while!
Talk to your friends, family and others in your situation – let your friends and family know how you feel, tell them as much or as little as you want. It can really help to vent and to get a little perspective from people who know you best.
Cut back on your budget – do you really need the extra tier on your wedding cake? does everyone need a magnificent bouquet? It’s up to you, but there are always ways to cut costs. If the money is what’s scaring you, then have a good look into your wedding budget.
Have you considered therapy? Perhaps you need personal therapy to get you over some deep rooted anxiety, or perhaps, after talking to your partner, you decide you may need pre-marital therapy. This is not something to be ashamed about, almost everyone wants or needs therapy at some point in their lives, and needing therapy for your relationship does not mean that it is failing – it means you care enough to want to make it better.

I really hope that this mixture of anxiety/wedding advice helps someone, even if only one person. If, like me, being an anxious person is your main issue – have a look at some verified mental health websites and see what you can do to help yourself.

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/anxiety-and-panic-attacks/self-care-for-anxiety/
https://www.anxietyuk.org.uk/
https://www.helpguide.org/articles/anxiety/anxiety-disorders-and-anxiety-attacks.htm

*Disclaimer* – I’m in no way a professional and have no professional qualification in any of the advice above, I’m simply sharing my experience and my advice.

WELCOME!

Hello and welcome to my blog! Recently, I’ve been googling a lot about my upcoming wedding, and trying to figure out what it all means. After coming to multiple dead ends, I decided to start a new blog about my realistic experience of wedding planning and marriage. This blog is going to be emotional and it’s going to be REAL. Life is not a fairy tale and I don’t intend to portray it that way. If you fancy sticking with me for the ride then subscribe and chat to me in the comments!